Once upon a time, there was a lad named Jack. Jack lived with his mother, and they were very trendy. One day, Jack’s mother said, “Take the cow to the market and sell her, because we’re vegans now.”
Jack protested, because he was fond of the cow and liked milk, too, but his mother insisted. So he went down to the market and traded his cow for some magic beans. The magician had a beard and a tie-dyed robe. He told Jack that they were as perfect a food as a bean could be.
“How perfect is that?”
The magician replied, “Like, they’re just beans, you know? But everybody’s like freaking out over them, can’t get enough of them. Haven’t seen anything like it since those brownies in the Seventies, you dig?”
“But aren’t they magic?”
“Oh, yeah! They grow really big, really fast, and that’s groovy. Still, have you ever eaten tofu?”
“Yes,” said Jack glumly.
But he bought the beans anyway, and took them home to his mother. They planted the beans, and soon they had a huge bean garden in the old cow pasture, with plants so high they almost reached the sky.
Jack’s mother and her friends were thrilled. They could make anything out of the beans: bean milk, bean meat, anything. One even had a recipe for making corn out of beans! True, the beans didn’t taste like milk or meat, and didn’t have the nutrition of milk or meat and were more expensive than milk or meat, but everyone agreed it was better.
Jack missed his cow.
Then one day Jack’s mother said, “Jack, we’re not vegans anymore.”
“Hooray!” said Jack. “I’ll go and buy a cow!”
“No,” said his mother, “You will not. All this is the fault of the giant corporation, and we’re using our money to fight the bean industry.” And she explained how they were going to use political pressure to change the world to be a better and trendier place.
Jack asked, “Can’t we just buy a cow? I liked our cow! Cattle give us milk and meat, and we aren’t dependent on anybody.”
But Jack’s mother was adamant. She and her friends planned a protest march on the giant corporation’s castle, where they would trespass and chain themselves to railings and such, until the giant corporation gave in, or perhaps ate them.
Jack decided that if the law was to be broken, it ought to be broken right, so the day before the protest march he went alone to the giant corporation’s castle, stole a magic harp, and fled far away from retribution and his mother. He bought a farm and some cattle and lived happily ever after.