Rooster Management

1. My rooster is attacking people. What do I do?

The first thing to do is to ask yourself, "Are you smarter than a rooster?"

Many people let the rooster take command. If the rooster decides, "It's time to have a fight," you accept his decision, and your only thought is, "He's crazy: I'm the one who's going to win!" But you're just reacting to what he's already decided. The rooster is the one doing all the thinking here. You're taking orders from a chicken! Don't you think that's embarrassing?

You can easily become smarter than a rooster. Learn how, right now.

Basically, a rooster will size you up and decide either (a) that you're a rooster, too (in which case you have to have a fight), or (b) that you're not a rooster at all. His decision is based on how you act. If you don't act like a rooster, he'll leave you alone. Roosters don't attack ladders or cows or chicken coops or the moon: there's no particular reason for him to attack you, either.

But if he decides that you're a rooster, he will attack you. After a brief battle he will decide one of three things: (1) He won, and therefore you are supposed to act submissive, or he'll hold a rematch. (2) You won, and therefore he will act submissive until he decides it's time for a rematch. (3) It was a tie, and therefore he'll hold a rematch.

I'm sure you've noticed the important point: the rooster is in charge of deciding when it's time for a rematch. The rooster is in charge: You're not.

People who are smart know that roosters only want rematches with other roosters. In addition, they remember they're people, and not roosters at all! The rooster is mistaken! It was all a silly misunderstanding! So the goal is to prevent the rooster from forming the opinion that humans are fellow roosters. The way you do this is simple: don't act like a rooster.

Basically, it comes down to this: Act like a caring human being. When crossing the chicken yard, don't bear down directly on them, because that makes them feel threatened. Roosters have a warm-up dance that precedes an attack, in which they nervously shift from one foot to the other and generally look unhappy. Give them a break and edge away if they start acting like this. They'll forget all about you.

Roosters who have already decided that you are one of them can be desensitized. People have bigger brains than roosters, who can only keep track of one thought at a time. If you feed them a handful of grain while they're winding up for an attack, they will forget all about you and call over a bunch of hens to share the bounty. After a few days of this, their aggression will be greatly diminished.

I learned this trick after one of my kids (who was too young to know better), got into a scrap with a rooster. The kid lost, to the point where he was no longer willing to go out on the chicken pasture. Fair enough, but the rooster walked away from the experience with the belief that all humans were roosters, not just the one kid.

So I tried the desensitization trick on the rooster, and that worked fine for me. He never attacked anyone again.

For anyone who is not convinced, let's hold up the practice of "showing the rooster who's boss" to the "front-page photo" test. Which would you rather have on the front page of your local newspaper: A picture of you kicking a rooster, or one of you feeding him a handful of grain? Your neighbors know that you're not a rooster and that means they won't cut you any slack.

Sadly, a few people, even grown-ups, have trouble resisting a challenge. You have to wonder, how much control to these people have over their own lives? Because if a chicken can tell you that it's time to have a fight, then imagine the kind of trouble that challenges from the dog or a co-worker or your spouse or the wallpaper can get you into!

Some roosters are incorrigible and will attack anybody, even if you follow these rules. I've only ever had one. These roosters should be made into chicken and dumplings.

On the other hand, some poultrykeepers are incorrigible and can't resist keeping vicious roosters, enjoying the sight of the roosters' attacks on neighbors, relatives, visitors, and children. The world would no doubt be a better place if these owners were made into people and dumplings.

When all else fails: Look deeply into my eyes. When you leave this page, you will be convinced: You are not a chicken. You are not a chicken. You are not a chicken.

Do I need a rooster?

No. Hens will lay just as many eggs if you don't have a rooster. Hens don't really like roosters very much, anyway. Roosters will sometimes help defend the flock, especially by keeping a watch on the sky for hawks. But their presence in a flock is optional unless you plan on hatching some eggs

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